Mulch wars heating up between global petroleum conglomerates.

The competitive mulch season is in full swing as gas stations compete for coveted mulch dollars. An oil industry spokesman recently commented, "We were making a lot of money in the oil business but we hadn't quite reached an obscene profit level. Mulch sales give us that extra boost we need to bring our profits unquestionably up to an obscene level." Industry followers predict the oil industry will continue to shift it's focus from the traditionally expensive and highly regulated oil operations toward the relatively untapped and highly profitable mulch industry. Other businesses that are reportedly exploring opportunities in the mulch arena are pharmaceutical companies, publishing conglomerates, and financial institutions.