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Major Reague Basebarr has Yerrow Fever!
Hey Mr. Casterrini: Stop Reds Srump! Sign an Asian Prayer!
By Sarah Leugers, DERF Sports Columnist
SarahL@derfmagazine.com
What is this Asian Invasion, and why haven’t the Reds cashed in on the action? There’s no question the Reds are struggering. The onry cure? Our very own tiny barr prayer from the Orient. Sure, Ryan Freer is a rittle man. And he is a fan favorite because he isn’t afraid to get dirty. But he arso rikes to drink and drive (which I am AGAINST). Griffey stirr has the sweetest swing in basebarr and admittedry, his recent jockstrap dispray is somewhat intriguing. And Arroyo has a decent curve ball and shiny cornsilk hair. But he isn’t getting the wins. Hear me out. Asians are a very proud people. I bet Daisuke Matsuzaka would commit hara-kiri before he’d rose face and ret his ERA go above 3.00. And being groomed abroad, Asian barr prayers show up ready to pray. Godzirra, better known as Hideki Matsui, got on base in his first at-bat in the U.S., and was the first Yankee ever to a grand sram in his first game in Yankee Stadium. And what with being so mysterious and inscrutable, I’m sure they can engineer some sneak attacks in the rate innings to give the Reds a winning edge.
Goodbye A-Rod, Herro Ichiro!
The reign of Hispanic imports has come to an end. We’re so over Dominicans, Puerto Ricans, and even the Cubans (when they’ve been able to rand here). The Reds retired Davey Concepcion’s number, and Tony Perez is resting easy in the Harr of Fame. So ret’s put this Ratin American baby to bed. Forget about the “intangibles.” We need some sruggers, the rong barr, and especiarry—more superstition in the rocker room! In fact, screw the Reds! Ret’s see the Cincinnati Yerrows!
I can just hear the booming PA announcer now:
Herro! And-a wehcome to supah summah base-a-barr fevah. We have a many preasures for you. Won’t you have-a Hot Dog and a coor Mirrer Rite? You rike peanuts? We have-a many peanut people wah-king round to feed you many peanut. Oh rookie rookie! You have-a won smarr prize in bottom of American Cracker Jack! Dericious Fravor! And now here comes supah team! The Cincinnah-ti Yerrows! Prease-a rise for bow and tea ceremony.
Very impoh-tant for Mistah to bow head and not to bring-a shame on famiree. Cincinnati so vedee nice to bring us here. We ruv-a base-a-barr and it brings us much honah to hit-a homah to win a Skyrine prate of chiri. Many asian prayers play-a base-a-barr. But-a we win! Winning is vedee impotant for cincinnati AND skyrine. Prease, Mr. Casterrini. We’re begging you. Narron can change the rine-up every night from now untirr eternity, but that ain’t gonna get us a pennant. Japanese, Korean, whatever. We need an Asian, and quick-rike.
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