NEW YORK, NY \u2013 Members of the United Nations Security Council voted unanimously to assign Charlie Sheen the task of snorting and\/or injecting all of the weapons grade chemicals stockpiled in Syria. U.N. Officials say Sheen was selected based on his consistent demonstration of a super-human capacity for chemical metabolism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Reports indicate Sheen will not receive payment for his services but instead has been granted a lifelong immunity from all forms of drug testing. Sheen will also have 24\/7 companionship of several Syrian working girls during his chemical expulsion tour.
\u201cI\u2019m proud that my particular skill set can be used to make the world a safer place,\u201d commented Sheen during a U.N. press briefing. \u201cI\u2019m in top form because I\u2019ve been building my tolerance at New York music festivals all summer.\u201d
At Sheen\u2019s suggestion, the code name for the operation has been designated, OPERATION TUESDAY. \u201cI saw the list of chemicals and trust me, this is Tuesday for me,\u201d said Sheen.
Asked how he plans to consume such a large volume of chemicals, Sheen offered, \u201cI plan on snorting most of the stuff. But some of the more harsh materials I plan to inject in order to protect what\u2019s left of my mucous membranes. If I need any help with a few lines here or there, my buddy Bob Downey Jr. said he can join me before Iron Man 4 starts filming.\u201d
Military officials say several U.S. drones will closely monitor and report on Sheen\u2019s activities throughout the operation. Sheen maintains a casual perspective regarding military monitoring stating, \u201cI don\u2019t mind the drones. They\u2019re just a more expensive version of an electronic ankle bracelet to which I have grown quite accustomed.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
NEW YORK, NY \u2013 Members of the United Nations Security Council voted unanimously to assign Charlie Sheen the task of snorting and\/or injecting all of the weapons grade chemicals stockpiled in Syria. U.N. Officials say Sheen was selected based on his consistent demonstration of a super-human capacity for chemical metabolism. Reports indicate Sheen will not […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[18],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-634","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-politics"},"yoast_head":"\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\t\n\t\n\t\n