CONCORD, NH – A rough week for Cam Newton continues, as the Carolina Panthers quarterback has suffered loses on several fronts. Just days after losing the Superbowl to the Denver Broncos, Newton was dealt a shocking blow when he failed to gain a single delegate during the New Hampshire primary. Clearly emotional, Newton stormed out of a press conference following the New Hampshire loss.
Responding to the first question from reporters regarding his thoughts on the loss, Newton simply answered, “We lost.” When asked to elaborate, Newton simply lowered his head and said, “Sad. Not happy. Sad.” Further questions about the New Hampshire primary and the future of his presidential bid were answered by the short phrases, “Trump outplayed me,” “Bad ground game,” and “Elway is a turd.”
Cam Newton then pulled his hoodie up over his face and sulked out of the room, to the bewilderment of the press corps. “I was really expecting more from him,” said political analyst David Gergen. “My sources and some internal polling said that Newton was going to do well in some of the more establishment based southern New Hampshire districts. I expected this to be a press conference full of celebration, maybe a little dancing, and definitely a little ‘dabbin,’’ but I guess it was Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders night to do the dab. He should have spent more time at the town halls, but I guess he thought the Super Bowl was more important.”
Following Newton’s meltdown, his fellow candidates weighed in on the emotional outburst. “Look, he’s a loser,” said frontrunner Donald Trump. “He reminds me of Rand Paul but he’s more of baby. As I continue to crush all of these dummies, you’re going to see a lot more crying. A lot more sulking. A lot more bleeding from the eyes and gnashing of teeth. At that point, we will know that I have made America great again.”
Former Florida Jeb Bush also made note of Newton’s plight. “I’d like to point out that I took my loss in New Hampshire like a man,” said Bush. “At the same time, I would like to reach out to Cam Newton’s voters and supporters. I hope that they will now move on and support me, thus doubling my base.”