JACKSONVILLE, FL – The Cincinnati Bengals continued their winning ways with a third straight win. The team left Jacksonville with not only a victory, but over four thousand dollars worth of towels from the team hotel.
As the team bus pulled out of town, members of the hotel housekeeping staff began to notice large quantities of towels, toiletries and bed linens missing. “I went into the bathroom to gather the towels and there was nothing to do,” said hotel maid Dorothy Hampton. “Even the bathmat was missing. On the good side, the bathroom was immaculate. Either these guys were very neat, or they stole everything before it could get dirty.”
Team officials will neither confirm nor deny that towels were stolen from the Jacksonville Mariott. However, Bengals owner Mike Brown did confirm that Bengals players have always been required to bring their own towels to practice. “Do you have any idea how much towels cost?” asked Brown. “And I’m not even talking about the fluffy, cushy ones I use at my house, I’m talking just run of the mill towels. They’re expensive, I’ll tell ya! I’m not going to go spend my hard earned cash on such nonsense. A wet player can practice just as hard as a dry player anyway.”
Though it appears that the hotel theft may be a black eye on the organization, Head Coach Marvin Lewis is looking on the bright side. “Look, we got home without any serious incident,” said Lewis. “From Florida even. That state is so full of drugs, booze and troubled teens that it’s a wonder anyone makes it out without a felony or two. I’m proud of my boys for making it out relative unscathed.”