PITTSBURGH, PA – An injury to starting quarterback Ben Roethlisberger meant that it was time for backup Michael Vick to come in and take over the offense. Vick’s performance on the field in face of this adversity has endeared him to Pittsburgh’s fans. Even more significantly, Michael Vick has found a home in Pittsburgh, as it is the only major city in the US where he stands out as a classy individual.
“That Vick kid, nothing but class,” said Pittsburgh resident Corey Pace between bites of a sausage sandwich while wiping his grease stained mouth with his sleeve. “I love Big Ben, but he can’t pull off the classy jewelry the way Mike Vick can. And, I’ll bet if Mike decided to sexually assault some co-eds, he’d do it in a classier place than a dive bar restroom. Like, maybe a bathroom in a club that has a cover charge and bottle service. Sure, we love Ben’s simple guy ways, but you can’t beat class.”
Though his time in Pittsburgh has been short, his impact has been felt all over the city, including City Hall. “On behalf of the great citizens of Pittsburgh,” said Pittsburgh mayor Bill Peduto, while blowing his nose into his hand. “I would like to award the key to the city to the upstanding citizen, great quarterback, and all around classy dude Michael Vick. I’d also like to invite Michael up to my house sometime for dinner. I’ll have the wife steal some of those really nice, sturdy forks from Chipotle to class it up a bit.” The Mayor then excused himself, saying he needed to go to the bathroom, which he promptly did. On the steps of City Hall.
“I heard on the TV that Michael Vick did something with dog fights,” said Pittsburgh native Kevin Burke, while chugging an Iron City beer on his porch, kicked back and feet resting on a pile of soiled diapers. “Well, we don’t much go for dog fighting here in Steel City. We might have a couple of bums go at it and then give the winner a cigarette and half a beer. Or, we might get the neighborhood dogs together at a block party for a good old fashioned humping contest. And, of course, we like to set up cage matches where the womenfolk battle to see who gets control over the TV. But, dogfighting, that’s not for us. Too classy. That there is the sport of kings.”