RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL – With raw sewage running throw waterways and Olympic swimming pools turning green, the Rio Olympics have had no shortage of bacterial infections. The crisis is being felt deeply at the Rio Chipotle Restaurants, where the employees are working overtime in an effort to keep up with the rest of the city’s massive E-coli production.
“It has been a challenge, but my team is doing their best,” said Rio Chipotle Manager Juan Pele. “Keeping up with the massive E-coli production in this city is a task that we were not entirely prepared for. But, rest assured, churning out bacteria is a job we take seriously. We are very good at it. And with hard work and an underlying Olympic spirit, we are going to prevail.”
Other locations in Rio claim to be ahead of the game, producing E-coli at record levels. “We knew this was going to be a test,” said manager Julian Diaz of a suburban Rio Chipotle location. “For weeks leading up to the Olympics, we kicked our E-coli game into high gear. Storing fresh produce in restrooms was a big help. There was a rumor that we took the ‘Employees Must Wash Hands’ signs out of the restrooms, but this is not true. We just ripped out the sinks and stopped the running water.”
Besides the record setting bacterial growth, the enhanced E-coli efforts around the Rio Olympics have been a boom for some local businesses. “This is setting records for our weekly profits,” said Rio Dry Cleaning manager Emilio Hassan. “We have ten times as much business as usual just from extensive Speedo washings alone.”