PITTSBURGH, PA – Ben Roethlisberger has confirmed to reporters that an exam following the playoff game with the Cincinnati Bengals diagnosed torn ligaments and sprains. However, Ben remains hopeful that a steady regimen of rehab and medical care will have his raping shoulder back in shape by the offseason.
“I’m no doctor but I know people,” said Pittsburgh head coach Mike Tomlin. “I know Big Ben, and if there is anyone who can get back into primetime raping shape in a hurry, it’s him. I’ve heard tale that he once dislocated his knee while in the middle of a very heated sexual assault. Ben just took a second, popped the knee back into place, and went right back to business. The campus police were so impressed they posed for pictures with him.”
Some think that though the shoulder may be back in shape, Ben may never return to the prime form he has had in the past. “It’s sad to say, but the fact is he’s getting old,” said analyst Mel Kiper. “Sure, he’s still got a few good rounds of buggery left in him, but I and many others wish he’d hang up his raping shoes so we can remember him in his prime instead of seeing him hang around too long.”
Pittsburgh fans, as always, remain optimistic and have no doubt that their hero will overcome this injury. “So what if he got his raping shoulder hurt,” said Mike Kowalski of Pittsburgh. “Nothing is gonna stop BIg Ben! Remember how in the second Rocky movie or maybe it was the third Rocky movie Rocky switched from being left handed to being right handed? Ben is a champion. Just like Rocky. He could easily just switch over to his non-dominant shoulder for raping purposes.”
Ben remains cautiously optimistic, but still bothered by the injury. “I’m not a crybaby and I’m not going to dwell on this,” said Roethlisberger. “But I have no doubt in my mind that this was the result Vontaze Burfict wanted. It was a dirty tackle. I guarantee that he was specifically targeting my rape shoulder during the tackle, and I think we need a rule in the NFL to keep that kind of thing from happening.”